


suffocating

by jewishtk



Category: Chicago Med
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 13:21:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19335355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jewishtk/pseuds/jewishtk
Summary: Will would want an explanation, would want to know why he had to leave and why he couldn’t tell him where he was going and why he was gone so long and – maybe this was a bad idea. It had been six months and he still didn’t know if he was ready to answer all of his questions, didn’t know if he could answer all of his questions.Maybe he should leave, return to his empty condo and book the first flight out to Seattle. Just like he had done several months ago.And he almost did.But then he heard Will’s laugh, a sound he’d never be able to forget, and heard him giddily shout “stop!” and it wasn’t directed at him, but he still stopped and turned.Snow stuck to his person and his cheeks were flushed red from the cold, Kol and another dog danced happily around his legs. And Connor’s heart ached. It ached for the life he had so carelessly abandoned, it ached for Will. It ached to see his smile, hear his laughter, feel his soft hands against his skin, smell his pine tree cologne.“Connor?”





	suffocating

**Author's Note:**

> italicized dialogue is dialogue that has happened in the past! (I feel it's pretty clear when you read the fic, but I just wanted to clarify further.)

Connor leaned against the metal fence and stared out at the snow covered dog park. It seemed weird to think how just a few months ago he felt at home here, regularly bringing Kol down for his walks and the occasional game of fetch, and now he felt like an intruder.

_“I’m leaving Chicago.”_

It had been months since he had said that to Will, months since he handed in his resignation, months since he boarded a plane headed to Seattle, and yet sometimes – like now – it felt like only yesterday he was saying his goodbyes.

_“What do you mean you’re leaving? For how long?”_

Everything from that night was imprinted in his mind, including Will’s blotchy, tear soaked face and the way his voice was hoarse and crackles when he spoke. The hurt and betrayal painted so clearly on his face because he had never been able to conceal his emotions, even when he tried.

_“I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m coming back.”_

And he would never be able to forget the pain and anger that flickered across Will’s features, or how he was the one to cause that pain. In the moment, leaving seemed like the right decision. Chicago was suffocating him, draining the life out of him and turning him into a husk of the man he used to be.

_“What about me? Us? Connor, I can help you. Just let me in.”_

When he moved back, he never intended to stay in Chicago forever. Then he met Will and as cliché as it all sounded, he fell in love and it was more than just a puppy dog crush. He genuinely loved him, wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

_“I’m sorry.”_

And he was sorry. He still was sorry. But after his dad’s death, he couldn’t cope. Chicago had turned back into the city it was all those years ago – the city he had left – and he had to leave, had to get out, because he couldn’t deal. Everyday felt like a struggle.

_“You’re sorry? You’re leaving me with no explanation and all you can say is ‘sorry’?”_

Will would want an explanation, would want to know why he had to leave and why he couldn’t tell him where he was going and why he was gone so long and – maybe this was a bad idea. It had been six months and he still didn’t know if he was ready to answer all of his questions, didn’t know if he could answer all of his questions.

Maybe he should leave, return to his empty condo and book the first flight out to Seattle. Just like he had done several months ago.

And he almost did.

But then he heard Will’s laugh, a sound he’d never be able to forget, and heard him giddily shout “stop!” and it wasn’t directed at him, but he still stopped and turned.

Snow stuck to his person and his cheeks were flushed red from the cold, Kol and another dog danced happily around his legs. And Connor’s heart ached. It ached for the life he had so carelessly abandoned, it ached for Will. It ached to see his smile, hear his laughter, feel his soft hands against his skin, smell his pine tree cologne.

“Connor?”

With one word the entire atmosphere seemed to change, to grow tense, and Will’s face was a blank palette, emotionless. Usually he could read him like a book, almost know exactly what he was thinking, but right now he couldn’t even tell what he was feeling.

“Is that really you?”

“It’s really me.” He still couldn’t get an accurate read on him, but he sounded relieved – almost happy – and he honestly couldn’t figure out why. Will should be boiling with rage, screaming at him, but he wasn’t – was he the only one who remembered the pain he had subjected him to?

“When did you get back?”

There was a hint of hopefulness in his voice, though his expression was still blank – unreadable, and it made him nervous to not know what he was thinking or feeling. It made him more nervous to not know where he stood with him. Was everything really okay?

“Last night, but I couldn’t leave the airport until an hour ago,” he gestured to the snow that was still falling. “My flight had just landed when the Chicago airport decided to start redirecting flights.” He shoved his gloved hands back into his pocket and stepped out of Will’s way as he pushed through the gate, dogs trailing behind him.

“I see.”

The gate clanged shut and it took all his self control to not jump at the sudden noise, even though he had watched the gate close and had expected it. “It’s good to see you, Will. I missed you.” He looked down, focusing on his snow covered shoes and trying not to think about how wrong those words felt leaving his mouth. It felt like he had no right to say that – to admit he had missed him – because he was the one who had walked away, who had left Will, not the other way around.

“Connor.”

He clenched his jaw and kept his eyes glued to his shoes, afraid of what Will might say if he looked up. And again, he was the one who left and yet here he was: standing in the snow, shaking, and scared of Will rejecting him. He had no right to feel that way, but he did.

“Connor, look at me.”

The crack in his voice, the way the “look at me” came out sounding like a plea rather than an order broke him and he slowly lifted his gaze to meet Will’s.

“Connor…” he huffed out a sigh and shook his head slowly before refocusing. “I’ve missed you,” he paused to gesture at Kol, “we’ve missed you.”

Where’s the ‘but’? He could tell it was just on the tip of his tongue and he was nervous, though he had no right to be because whatever Will was about to say he deserved to hear.

“But why did you come back? And don’t say because of me.”

There was that pain, that sadness, again and it made his heart ache in a way it had never ached before. Connor wanted nothing more than to drag him into a hug, pepper kisses across his face, and tell him how sorry he was for leaving, for hurting him. But he couldn’t, because he lost the right to comfort Will when he boarded that plane.

“Goodwin called me.” He hesitated, dragging in a deep breath and feeling the ache in his throat from the ice cold air. “She wants me to come back to Med as an attending.”

“And you’re thinking about it?”

Connor met his gaze and though his expression was still blank, he could see the hope – the longing – swimming in his big brown eyes. “Yes.” He rocked nervously on the balls of his feet, thinking over his next words very carefully. “I know I can’t take back what I said – did – and we can’t just go back to the way things were, but Will…” He dragged his hand across his bushy beard, a nervous tic of his. “I love you and I was stupid, okay? I never should have cut you out and -“

His body went rigid when Will leaned forward and pressed his chapped lips to his, swallowing his words, and he slowly melted against his body, lifted his hands to grab hold of the wispy strands of red poking out from under the beanie. It wasn’t like their old kisses, there was more to this.

It was filled with want. Desire. Hope. Pain. Fear. Sadness. Relief. Anger. But most of all it was filled with love, raw and pure love.

And Connor pulled away, breathless. His face felt warm, like it was on fire, and he felt happy, something he hadn’t been since he left Chicago.

“I love you, Connor.”

There was that ‘but’ feeling again and he felt a sense of dread well up in his stomach, and he brace himself for what Will would say next.

“But you need to give me space.” He breathed in deeply, raising his hand to rub his thumb across Connor’s face and he instinctively leaned into the touch. “This isn’t goodbye, because I want you in my life but I need to take this slow. Maybe we can get coffee this weekend.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed this, please leave a kudos and/or comment! also, you can find me on tumblr @transhalstead where i do take requests for a variety of gay male ships with the main one being rhodestead.


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